PULL MY FINGER

There is little doubt that in general, men enjoy things that smell.  Jeff Foxworthy spent an entire sketch discussing just how sick in the mind we are.   He argues that we are willing to smell things that are bad because we know there will come a day in which we will cash that moment in and require someone else to smell something even worse.  I get it…farts are funny!  One of the only things funnier than a fart is when it’s your fart!  As a father, one of the most pure joys I’ve experienced is trying to melt my kids’ faces while I alone control the power windows!  Shortly after Jen and I were married, I made the mistake of hoping the term “silent but deadly” was not going to apply to me that day…I was wrong!  On the corner of Tramway and Indian School, I nearly lost my one true love!  Bless her heart for staying with me.  It was literally so bad that the resale value on that Toyota Celica went down $450, and the carpets were never the same!  But was it worth it?  Of course!  Who doesn’t enjoy a small game of covered wagon/dutch oven?!  Needless to say I married a saint!

So why am I airing my dirty laundry? (that is funny)  Why would I take the time to admit that on 4 different occasions I passed gas and nearly killed someone?  I suppose the biggest reason is to establish the fact that I can handle things that smell…or so I thought.  There is nothing that could prepare me for what I was about to face here in Afghanistan.

I’m not going to say that Afghanistan is the smelliest place on Earth, but I’m certainly not going to argue that it’s not either!  Kandahar is home to over 30,000 people.  Nearly 1 in every 1 people have to use the bathroom while they are here.  While I never attended medical school (although I did trick Jen into marrying me under the assumption that I would), I do know that human waste is

inherently smelly.  I live with a daughter that can single-handedly clear out the entire downstairs living space in our relatively big house  with just one visit to the bathroom (I won’t say which daughter, only that it isn’t Kaylea).  She is just one small girl.  Now imagine if you will that kind of power multiplied by 30,000 people!  Now I realize that there are some of you at this point that are either scoffing this post, grossed out, or are thanking your lucky stars that they didn’t buy my 1988 Toyota Celica.  However, keep this in mind: THERE MUST NEEDS BE A PLACE FOR ALL THAT POO TO GO!  Ladies and gentlemen…I give to you the military solution, reverently known as the POO POND.

The Poo Pond sits smack dab in the middle of Kandahar Air Base, and it is made up of the waste from 30,000 individuals.  It stinks.  It stinks a lot.  It stinks about 30,000 times as bad as Emma on a bad day (oops, forget I mentioned her name).  It stinks ALL the time!  When you leave your room, it is there.  When you go to eat, it is there.  When you brush your teeth, yep, it’s there!  It is pretty much inescapable.  Luckily there is some reprieve.  Every morning they do us a favor and burn all of the trash from the base.  There is nothing quite like the smell of burning plastic bottles to get your blood flowing.  Plus they are telling us that burnt plastic is actually good for you too!  It’s a win-win situation around here!

So my friends…when you think of what to send me in the next care package that I know everyone is getting ready to send, please include some air fresheners…or maybe just a gas mask!  I promise to give it to Jen when I get home.

The Poo Pond Song  (No kidding here...it's famous enough to have a song about it)