CLAIMS TO FAME

There are not a ton of things that I have done in my life that I can truly brag about. I do have a few of them though, and since I didn't force anyone to read this, I don't feel bad that I'm going to share some of them now.

First of all, I am a published author. That is correct. Years ago I wrote an intriguing short-story that was printed in Supersonic Saints 2. I was pretty excited to write the story. Jen contacted John Bytheway when she heard that he was compiling stories for a sequel to his first book (I think it was called Supersonic Saints...I'm just guessing here). Anyway, I was thrilled to think that I was finally going to make enough money to consider retirement. Well...इ found out that for some reason the people that actually write the stories don't make much money. However, the guy that e-mails the authors, puts his name on the cover, and does very little else makes out like a bandit! After I wrote the story, they edited it...messed up a lot of the details, and then sent me a contract and (hold onto your hats) were willing to give me $140.00 (I put the decimals to make it look like more) for my story. But that's not all. They also would give me two (2) free copies of the book when it was printed AND the original artwork of the story I wrote. In return, they also wanted to have the rights to my story. Well...I am a fan of Seinfeld. I saw how Kramer sold his stories and lived to regret it, so I'm happy to say that I kept the rights to the story...and still made $140 (am I an amazing negotiator or what? Or do I need to remind you of the great deal I got on my gym membership?)! Jen later wrote a short paragraph for Family Fun Magazine and got $100 for telling about how our family shows gratitude. I was very proud of her, but come on...she made about 500,000 times more per word than I did! Nevertheless, we collectively have made $240 just for writing. I figure at this pace we only need to write 9,998 short stories or jokes for Readers Digest to retire comfortably.

I will humbly recognize that there are plenty of people that have written something, and ultimately been published (even if it wasn't in hard book with a cool picture that they got to keep). However, it is my next claim to fame that truly sets me apart from other people. What could I have possibly done that few other people would even dare attempt? Well...in a nutshell, I flew all the way from Ogden, Utah to Balad Air Base, Iraq without going to the bathroom once! Many of you have heard this story (because I am that proud of it), but for those that haven't, it is well worth repeating. I was deploying to Iraq for the first time while I was stationed at Hill AFB, UT. I was one of the lucky guys that were going to fly one of our F-16s from Hill to Spain...stay 2 days there, and then fly from Spain to Iraq. Now when you deploy, everyone has tons of advice they want to share with you. People were giving me advice not to actually treat my uniforms with the chemicals (DEET) they tell you to use to avoid bug bites. Others told me about getting in shape while I was there. The physiologist actually gave us a brief on how to prevent needing to go numero dos on the flight over there (hint...eat the cheese first. "It will act as a plug"...solid advice)! However, there was no better advice than what came from our flight doc. He suggested wearing a "Texas Catheter" so that we would be able to pee whenever we needed to, without the hassle that comes with the normal piddle-packs we use. Keep in mind, this was in the dead of winter, and so we were wearing exposure suits...piddle pack operations at night were a near emergency procedure for many gifted aviators. I had never heard of a Texas Catheter, but he explained it to me as a condom that slips over your hoo-haw (I hope no one is offended by that term...I like to use the medical jargon). It then has a tube that flows to a bag that collects your wee-wee. Well...I was talked into wearing this...and I am sure it would have worked great. However, one of the other "suckers" that went with the convenience of the Texas Catheter tested his out early into the flight. We had flown for maybe an hour...the entire time in the clouds, and at night. I secretly laughed at anyone that was going to have to use a piddle pack in those flying conditions. Anyway...my good buddy made a disturbing radio call..."Oh no! (he may not have said no) There is wee-wee all over the place!" I made a decision right then...I would hold it! I couldn't deal with the idea of making a mess and then not being able to do anything about it for 14 hours. So...I held it. I flew all the way to Moron, Spain without peeing once. All that time looking at the ocean, and not so much as a drop escaped my body. When we got to Spain, I did two things...first, I peed like nobody's business! Second, I decided that I would not be using the Texas Catheter on my second flight. To make a long story short, I did NOT wear it on the next sortie. However...I made a rookie mistake. I had emptied my G-suit pocket of my piddle packs when I had decided to use the "spring-a-leaks-r-us" catheter...and sadly, I forgot to put any back in my pocket when we left Spain. Needless to say, I was forced to fly the next 10 hour sortie without a potty break. I was debating drinking my Gatorade and using the empty container...but was afraid I might have to put more into it than it would hold. So there you have it...my big claim to fame!!

You might ask why in the heck I chose to share that story with you? Well, it has all become relevant since I arrived in Morocco. I have lived in South America. I got over the fact that they do not flush their toilet paper. They place it in a garbage can next to the toilet (mind you I said I got use to it...not that I did it. I'm proud to have donated my fair share of TP to their sewer system). Coming to Morocco, I wondered if it could get anymore disgusting, In short, the answer is yes. I was somewhat prepared. I spoke with some of the American contractors that were here prior to my arrival. Along with warning me to "not eat the fish...ever", they gave me two important pieces of information. First, there is no running water at work. WHAT?! I tried to comprehend the implications that would involve. I was happy to find that when I arrived at the base, there was indeed water! Go figure, my joy was complete all because I could flush the toilet! All that changed after my first week here. We have now been without running water for the last 3 weeks. Now generally, as witnessed by my dry journey from Utah to Iraq, I can hold my fluids with the best of them. In fact, whenever we travel on road trips, Jen and the kids nearly have to beg me to pull over to use the restroom (don't they realize I have personal records that I am trying to top in how long I can make it from point A to point B?). As good as I am at holding my fluids; I have not been able to do that here. I am drinking water like it is going out of style here. I don't care who you are...if you drink 3 liters of water in an 8 hour period, you are going to need a potty break. I'll spare the details of how completely grossed out the bathrooms are, but I will simply say that I would much rather put TP in a garbage can than to do el numero uno in a toilet that has not been flushed in 3 weeks. GAG!

I promise I'm almost done grossing everyone out. However, it wouldn't be "Frosty's Moroccan Adventure" if I didn't share my last story. I realized from being without water that I can handle just about anything. I say just about, because recently I came across one thing that I can't get past! Up until now, I've basically focused on the wet side of the digestive tract. I'm not going to get into details, but there is a book out there called "Everyone poops". If you are reading this...you are included in the everyoen, so get over it! Well, when nature calls me for that specific act, I like to take my time! I enjoy reading, playing Electronic Yahtzee, texting...heck, I'm writing this right now from the bathroom (Okay...not really). I also don't like to do my business anywhere other than in my home. My body has adjusted to its own timetable to ensure I can be in the comfort of my own room. I think the Moroccan people must have gotten wise to my game. In an effort to ensure that I would not take too much time in their bathrooms, they left out an important part of their toilets here...the seat. True story! I went to go to the bathroom at a restaurant, entered and found only a hole in the floor. "That's odd", I thought. "They don't have a place to go number 2." Mind you what I was really focusing on at first was that there was only a hole in the ground, and that the people had very poor aim (I will not be bringing my shoes home). There were however, two steps to place your feet on. My thought was that it seemed odd that they were so intent on having me stand on these steps in order to pee. That is when it hit me...they weren't to stand on...they were to squat on...thus helping their aim.

That's it folks. I'm famous for very few things...one is writing, the other is holding my urine. I'm afraid that if I do get brave enough to try the fish here, I will be within running distance to my own private bathroom! I don't need to be famous for a third thing anyway!

PS- I'm submitting this to Reader's Digest...only 9,997 stories to go!