LESSONS LEARNED...SLOWLY!

Did I ever mention I fly F-16's?

 As a fighter pilot, we take a certain amount of pride in making sure that we get the most out of every mission we fly.  For every hour that we are in the air, there are at least three on the ground that go into briefing and debriefing the mission.  At the end of each mission, we then find the “lessons learned” from that mission.  The idea is simple…don’t make the same mistakes the next time.

It would benefit me to apply that idea in my personal life!

When Jenny and I were first married, we lived with her parents while I tried to hurry and finish my degree.  Jen was about to celebrate her big 21^st birthday and I had the grand idea of throwing her a surprise party.  I invited all of her friends, bought a delicious ice cream cake and even had a piñata filled with lots of quality (cheap) candy.  The stage was set for an unforgettable birthday party.  Well…it WAS unforgettable.  Sadly it was for all the wrong reasons.  For those of you that know my wife well, you know that she is up for just about anything…as long as she is not at the center of attention.  She does not like that one bit.  In fairness, I’m pretty sure she had told me that she didn’t want a surprise party.  As one that does not mind being at the center of attention (I know that comes as a shock to many of you), I could only assume she was kidding.  Without diving into all the details, I’ll just summarize with two lessons learned.  First, don’t put Jen at the center of attention.  Second, listen to your wife when she says she really doesn’t want a surprise party!

I am a slow learner!

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Several years later, we were living in Arizona and it was time for one of Mike’s famous Christmas letters.  I’m really not that good at recapping the events that happened throughout the year, but I am good at using my imagination.  In reality, who really wants to know how many hours I flew that year?  But tell them I invented the Snuggie blanket and BAM…people are very interested in reading (as a note…I really did invent the Sunggie blanket.  I just wanted to remind those that didn’t receive that letter).  In an effort to make Jen’s life sound totally unusual, I may have gotten carried away and said that she had made a ton of money as a freelance stripper.  Trust me…it was HILLARIOUS when I was writing it down.  After I sent it out to the millions of loyal friends (14), I learned that Jen really didn’t find it nearly as funny as I did.  I learned a few more important lessons.  First, let Jen proofread any material that has her name in it (yep…she read this one before I hit send).  Second, just because I find something funny, it doesn’t mean Jen will.

Best Pole Dancer EVER!

Seriously…I am not a quick learner!

Just recently I came up with a VERY clever idea for April Fools’ Day.  Keep in mind that I have never attempted to pull off a clever prank on Jen of this nature.  About a month earlier we had received the news that the guy that was set to replace me here in Morocco had been disqualified.  A second person had just recently been identified.  Jen’s biggest fear was that he too would somehow be disqualified and that the Air Force would make me stay longer.  I had told Jen that while this was feasible, it was not probable.  With that in mind, I decided to draft a letter to my boss and have him e-mail it back to me.  Jen and I share an e-mail account, so I knew that she would read any news from my boss.  Here is the letter that I sent…

Frosty-

Don't shoot the messenger.  I found out last night that your would be replacement will not be coming to replace you.  He has some impending disciplinary actions after a huge ordeal that I'm not at liberty to delve into (and honestly don't have all the details).  The bottom line is that we are now scrambling to try and find yet another person to replace you in August.  I have not yet talked to AFPC, but I know that they struggled to fill the position when the first person fell out.  I realize that you signed up for a one year assignment, and under normal circumstances there is nothing the Air Force could do to make you stay longer.  While we hope that won't be the case, I'm writing to let you know that it is a very strong possibility.  I don't need to tell you about how "the needs of the Air Force" come before our personal desires.

The bottom line is that you should not make plans for your return back to the States until you hear more from us.  I feel your pain.  I was supposed to leave in May and clearly that is not going to happen.  I apologize for the inconvenience this might cause and the stress it will place on you and your family.  I'll try and get a definitive answer as soon as I can.

Let me know if you have any questions,

Bolt

Now my plan was to have her read this…stress for 6.9 minutes, and then break the news to her very gently.  As it turned out, 6.9 minutes was WAY too long to leave her in the dark.  Almost as soon as she read the e-mail I received an instant message via Google Chat.  It went like this:

Jen:  What do you think of the email?

Mike: I can't stress over something I can't control.  What did you think?

Jen: It just made me sad, I guess.  I worried that it would happen anyway.

Mike: Then I should tell you to please check the date that it was sent.

Jen: Why?

Mike: And also that it may sound like something a jerk of a husband might write and have Kevin send as a funny April Fool's prank.  (5 minutes pass)  Your silence would lead me to believe that I am in hot water!

Jen: That was cruel.

Mike: But clever!

Jen: Seriously not nice.

There might be some of you out there that are laughing a bit.  For a few minutes I did too.  In fact, for a few minutes I thought I was the funniest guy that walked this planet…for a few minutes.  It didn’t take too long to realize that I had made a HUGE mistake!  So what all important lessons did I take from this experience?  First…there are some things that you DO NOT joke about!  I knew this was Jen’s biggest fear.  I guess that is what made it so effective!  Second…if you are going to pull an April Fool’s Day prank…do it when you will be separated for no less than a year.  It might take that long to gain forgiveness!

Grooviest Girl I know...and Hillarious husband.

As I look back on some of the dumb things I’ve done over the course of 18 ½ years with the coolest gal I know, I realize that I really am blessed to have my best friend as my Eternal Sweetheart!  She loves me unconditionally (and I obviously have given plenty of good reasons to do otherwise).  I am not complete when I am not with her!  I feel blessed to call her my wife and best friend!

Now…If you are reading this, I am planning to throw her a surprise birthday party in March.  Try and keep it on the down low, I don’t want her to find out!